You know, I always thought that no matter what choices I had to make in my life, I would always know my own mind. That if something bothered me, or if I had a problem I would if nothing else know the reason behind my reactions or feelings. But it turns out, I don’t myself as well as I thought.
It sounds funny, doesn’t it? I’m sure that if I was richer I’d be going to talk to some nice woman on a couch about it, but alas, I have no such resources. Instead I must talk to all you.
My confusion comes from dating Surfer Boy. You remember him, right? Well, we’ve continued dating from that first date I wrote about. He’s a really nice guy. He’s thoughtful, fun, and listens to people well.
For example, I was visiting him Easter weekend. That Sunday morning he came up with an egg that was decorated with marker drawn poka-dots. He instructed me to break it open, which I proceeded to do over him (hey, you never know). After laughing, he said to read the paper that was on the inside of the (yolk free) egg. It was the size of a fortune paper and read “For a really cool chick”.
He had punctured a tiny hole in the bottom of the egg in order to get the yolk out and stick the paper in.
So I guess this is the point where you’d be thinking, “So, what’s wrong?”
And to be honest, I have no clue. There are just times where he says something, or does something and I have this weird instinctive reaction to be annoyed by it. He’ll call me at night on occasion just to talk for no reason, and I just think that I don’t feel like talking for no reason late at night. Maybe it’s because I have a lot to do? Or maybe it’s because that if I’m not doing something I need to get done (which these days is a lot), I’d rather relax by reading or something that’s for me? Or maybe…
Who knows. I also flinch when he uses words like “baby” or “sweatheart”. How come? I’m weird perhaps. I have commitment issues. Your guess would be as good as mine. Truthfully, I don’t like using those words so easily. Just because we have gotten past the intial dating period doesn’t mean I’m suddenly your “baby” or “sweatheart”. Being able to switch so easily from not using them to using them seems so empty and fake to me. I don’t like the idea of using “relationship” ideas, words, or concepts just for the sake of them. It seems so meanlingless.
I just feel so confused about what I want these days. It’s not like I don’t like him – I do. But then I have all these other conflicted feelings that I can’t even understand myself these days.