I went to NYC again this weekend to see Surfer Boy, and it was a really awesome weekend. I had wanted to tell you about it.
That post will have to wait, however, because instead there is something that is eating away at my mood right now.
My mom had asked me how my date went when I got home around a hour ago, and I had begun to say it went well and that I liked him. How he seemed like a really nice guy. That I liked how he was active person since he surfs.
She interrupts me with, “Just as long as you don’t.”
I tried to explain how she can’t say things in that way to me. I am going to be 30 in almost 6 months – October – and she can’t say “just as long as you don’t” as if she is in control of whether I do or don’t. That’s not a parental right of hers anymore.
Her response. “Well, you know I’m a worrier and I just don’t want you to get hurt…I want you to think about it first.”
Now, before you think that I don’t appreciate my mom, I love her very much. Loving someone though doesn’t always mean that you get along 100% and have the same personality.
Our personalities are far from the same. I am a very active independent driven person who likes to do just…everything. Guitar, bowling, golf, jiu jitsu, running, drawing, travel, games, writing, shooting, and almost anything else you could think of (besides jumping out of planes). I like to at least try something if it’s something that interests me. I don’t do things just to annoy people, either. I wouldn’t ever do something just because she didn’t want me to – although sometimes if it’s something I want to do working really hard to be great at it and rub it in her face makes me feel a little good.
I never said I was perfect.
It makes me feel good, because I don’t want to limit myself like that. My mom is all about limits. She does and wants me to do whatever is most safe to do. Job, hobby – it doesn’t matter. If it seems slightly dangerous my mom is against it. Even simple things like driving to the mall at night or walking by myself around NYC.
I am definitely not looking to do things that are dangerous, but I am not going to not try things because it might be hard or not perfectly safe. I’m not going to tell myself I can’t or I’m not capable.
Why should I think less of myself?
Surfer Boy has already mentioned teaching me. Now, there is no way to know how things are going to go yet. This is only a second official date, and doing anything like him teaching me to surf is a future event that could never even happen. However, I would love to learn if things do work out well with him. It looks like fun. I’ve never been great at swimming in the ocean, but learning is just that. I can start off with basics and become stronger both at swimming and what I need to do in order to surf. You are not going to be surfing 10 foot waves the second you put your hand on a surfboard. Let’s be a little sensible and logical about this instead of jumping to crazy conclusions. On top of that, until I actually experience what if feels like to even attempt this I have no idea if it will be something I will enjoy or not. Maybe I’ll never even get to the point where I am doing any serious surfing or any large waves. Maybe I will hate it right away and never try again, or maybe I will only ever feel like doing only beginner surfing and never do really hard things. I will never know unless and until I try.
So my answer to her was that I probably would want to try. She argued with me back and forth. I am not a good swimmer. It’s dangerous.
I don’t argue with her because it’s fun. I argue because we see the world different. I see what can I accomplish and she sees the danger in trying. She also never believes she is capable of doing anything, and almost always transfers that way of thinking to me even without realizing she does.
“I can learn,” I tell her. “I can get stronger and better.”
“Not everyone can learn. Not everyone can be good at everything.”
Why not? Why can’t I? As a parent should you not tell be I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to? That hard work, commitment, and determination can even get you to do more than skill alone sometimes? But she doesn’t say these things to me.
She doesn’t even respect me enough to explain her feelings, but leave me to come to my own decision. She says she wants me “to think about it”, but I have been down this road before with her. Even if I explained what I think or how I feel about it she will still not be happy with my decision. She doesn’t really care about if I think about it. She wants me to only come up with her decision.
I think that is rather selfish of her. If she only wants me to lead the life she desires, why did she even bother to have children? Do I not deserve free will? Happiness?
Yet every time I express a opinion that contrasts her own I’m always the one who is “selfish”. I am the one who cares only about myself, and doesn’t think about her. I do only what I want, and often according to her my “opinion” is always the opposite of her on purpose. As if I choose something only if she doesn’t want me to. How insulting is that? It says to me that she thinks I’m incapable of making a choice. That my character is so weak it’s easily influenced by others instead of using it’s own voice and intelligence. It says that my only desire in life is to hurt her.
Does she ever allow the possibility that maybe these are really my own thoughts? That this is what I want to do or how I feel in my heart? No. She wants me to act a certain way so she has to lash out against anything I say that speaks up against that way.
I know this post was a really long rant. I just need to scream these things out to someone. It’s so hard to be the person I want to be and live the life I want to live when I hear this all the time. I don’t want to create limits, walls, or hold myself back from great experiences or accomplishments. I want to be the best and most I can possibly be while I am in this world. I want to be a good person, and live fully.
I shouldn’t have to feel guilty to do so. I wish she could understand that. By acting this way in her attempt to protect me physically, she really is hurting me the most.