So it’s 0403hrs and I’m awake. Most likely it’s because I slept way too late on Saturday. I was watching some shows on Netflix, but my mind is really thinking about other things. Sometimes, I really am blown away by how our lives are so influenced by where we start in the world. That latitude and longitude that defines the place we call “Home”. The people who become our lives as we grow through childhood. Where we begin, and who we begin it with. These things make up so much of who we are, and what we will do with our lives.
How much do they influence my own? At 29, I am still on the brink of what I will do from here on out. I still have that boundary between being a young adult and just simply an adult. If I could look forward through time 10, 2o years – what would I see? I guess I wonder of these things, things that I am sure others have wondered about well before me, because I wonder what I would do if my coordinates were OK with anything I choose. Because they are not. They are tied to this spot, and they will not wander. But I want to wander.
I don’t know if I could do it. I don’t know what courage I hold. I only know that I ache to see more of the world, and to do more in this world.
I think as people we have this whole dilemma about deciding our future, because we don’t want to waste it. We don’t want to find out at some point we made a mistake. I am not an exception to this. I think the same about the decisions I could make. I also think it’s the same for not deciding something. For not going after something despite it’s uncertainty. The decisions that you know the outcomes for are safe, but without heart. Those decisions for me would be empty. Meaningless.
I love my family very much. I really do. My biggest worry is that I will never find a life that can balance between them and myself. For I know in my heart, to choose a life based off of what will make them happy alone is no life at all. No matter how much I love and am grateful for them, I know this to be true. We have one life. Family is among the most important thing in it, but first and foremost we shouldn’t waste it. We shouldn’t let it pass by and live with a silent regret and longing. At the same time, I do not want to leave them behind altogether.
So, then. That leaves me only back to where I started. Circling around in this spot, this group of numbers I call Home. My heart could never truly leave here, but my soul dreams of wandering.